First script need some advice

[kreg_c_2002]

Hello, I'm kinda new here, I've browsed through lots of the old messages (till about page 70 I think) so I'm new to posting at least. But anyways, this is my first script that I've wrote. I have messed around with my camera quite a bit, and am confortable with it. I hope to begin production of it pretty soon (next week or so). So any advice would help out a lot.


INT - Spoon and Oscar are walking down a hallway at school joking around. They walk into a classroom. They sit in seats near to each other, and the bell rings.

TEACHER
Hey! Quite down everyone the bell rang. Okay, now we're gonna learn about factoring polynomials today. Now can anyone tell me what the answer to this problem is? (points to problem)

SPOON
Yeah it's _______ (insert answer here)

teacher
Very good, Spoon. Now how about this one? (points to problem)

OSCAR
That one's ________ (insert answer here)

teacher
Excellent, now let's take some notes os the rest of us can figure these problems out too.

INT - Oscar leans back and starts talking to Spoon.

oscar
Hey, you wanna go and get some food after school?

spoon
Yeah, I sure do.

oscar
Okay, awesome.

INT - Bell rings and kids come out of a class room, Oscar and Spoon are the last ones out.

oscar
Where are we gonna go eat?

spoon
I don't know, how about some pizza? Or maybe some tacos?

oscar
Either sounds good to me.

spoon
Okay, we'll figure it out later then cause' I gotta go.

INT - Oscar and Spoon are sitting at a table in a retaurant along with a few other friends. They small talk a bit, until Spoon looks up at the clock.

spoon
Oh man! I gotta get going, see you guys later.

oscar
Okay, bye see you later.

INT - Spoon gets up from his seat, and leaves the restuarant.

EXT - Spoon walks up to a house, and rings the bell. A kid named Todd opens the door.

EXT - Oscar is walking home in the cold snow. He walks up to his house and opens the door.

INT - Oscar walks in the front door.

oscar
Mom I'm home.

MOM
Okay, where've you been?

oscar
Me and Spoon went and got some food.

mom
Well I guess you don't need supper now.

oscar
Yeah I do.

INT - The next day at school, Oscar comes up to Spoon's locker.

oscar
Hey, where'd you run off to the yesterday?

spoon
Oh I had to help my Mom clean up our house.

oscar
Oh okay, that's cool.

spoon
Yeah sorry.

oscar
Oh it's alright...anyways...You wanna come over later tonight? We could play some PS2.

spoon
Okay, I'll be there around 5:00 then.

oscar
Alright it sounds good.

INT - Oscar is sitting on a couch, the door bell rings, and he gets up and he answers it. Spoon is at the door.

oscar
Hello.

spoon
Hey.

oscar
Did you bring your games?

spoon
Yeah right here.

INT - Oscar and Spoon are sitting and playing PS2.

oscar
Are you getting hungry?

spoon
Yeah I am kinda.

oscar
Wanna go to the Gas Station cause I don't think we have any food here.

spoon
Okay let's go.

oscar
MOM WE'RE GOING TO THE GAS STATION!!!

mom
Okay, be sure to wear your coat.

oscar
Okay.

EXT - Oscar and Spoon walk down the snowy sidewalk, talking and joking.

INT - Oscar and Spoon walk into the gas station, they walk around and pick out the food that they want. They go up to the counter, and pay for the food, and walk out of the door.

EXT - Oscar and Spoon walk back to Oscar's house.

INT - Oscar and Spoon walk in Oscar's front door, eating and joking.

oscar
MOM!!! We're home!!!

mom
Alright, be quite your dad is sleeping!

INT - The next day at school Oscar sees Spoon talking and slapping skin with the "druggies," which includes Todd. Oscar walks away to his locker. Spoon then walks up to Oscar's locker.

spoon
Hey, what's up man?

oscar
Hey, not much you?

spoon
Oh, nothing really.

oscar
What were you doing over there with those druggies?

spoon
Nothing man, I was just doing them a favor.

oscar
Why?

spoon
So I could make some money.

oscar
Well don't go getting mixed up with them.

spoon
Don't worry I'm not gonna.

oscar
Alright good.

spoon
You wanna come over tommorow?

oscar
Sure.

INT - Spoon and Oscar walk into Spoon's house. They sit down on a coach and start playing PS2.

oscar
I'll be right back, I gotta go to the bathroom.

spoon
Okay, hurry or else I'll be tempted to destroy you. Mwahahaha!!!

oscar
Haha, alright.

INT - Oscar walks to the bathroom, and Spoon gets up to go into the kitchen. As he is in front of the front door, it bursts open. Todd bursts angrily in the door with a gun.

TODD
Hey Spoon you got the money???

spoon
No I haven't got a chance to get it yet.

todd
Nice try, but it won't work on me!!!

INT - Spoon stands terrified as the kid levels the gun at his chest, he falls to the floor clutching his chest. Oscar runs out of the bathroom, and sees his friend lying on the floor. He looks at the kid standing at the door, the kid then runs away. Oscar then runs and calls 911.


I want to make this a kinda sad movie too, cause it'd work a better like that I think, so any ideas on how to make it sad? I haven't come up with a name yet so if you could mention one that'd help too, even though I don't really have prolems with coming up with names. Thanks for the help.

[Initiate]

i will just say, from reading your script, if you want to make it sad, drag it on a bit, it seems very Cut and Continue in your movie. Not much emotion.

Are we seeing this movie from Spoons or Oscers veiwpoint? If its spoon, show us why he takes a job thats so dangerous, does he want extra money? does hewant something like a playstation game? is he trying to help his family pay the bills (this would make the audiance feel sorry for him atleast).

Also, maybe add some conflict, its easy to kil someone off and say its sad, but it ownt be sad to the audiance if they dont feel anything for the kid. When spoon asks him about it, add a fight between them, you know.

"Its none of your buisness what I do spoon, Ok?"

"I'm just trying to help"

"Well, help somebody else, i know what im doing"

Anything. Shit i gotta leave for school, il maybe talk to u after school.

[kreg_c_2002]

Okay thanks. This was just the first rough version, and I was gonna add more scenes and let you get to know Spoon better. Oh and by the way the names aren't permanent those were just the first two things I saw in my room. Also whats the best cheap alternate sound source? Cassette isn't near good enough is it? Thanks again.

[Tard]

LOL! An Oscar The Grouch doll, not the statuette, right? [img]wink.gif[/img]

Remember, 'winter' in a screenplay means you'll be shooting mid-summer, in the opposite season.

Personally, would write it out as a full treatment originally, BEFORE trying to play with dialogue which tends to revolve around eating & playing videogames. The two main characters need to be, or aspire to be, something more than a couple videogame junkies living in Mom's basement. Characters like that rarely get viewer sympathy when dying.

[Kev Owens]

Scene headings need to show this;

INT/EXT- OSCARS HOUSE- NIGHT

It's standard formatting and it helps avoid confusion.

The story is quite boring as it stands, and there's a major lack of character depth. I never felt connected to the characters- which isn't really surprising since they don't do anything interesting or say more than one sentence at a time. The ending was obvious, bland and unoriginal.

The dialogue is 'clunky'; read it out loud to yourself; does it sound natural? How many lines of dialogue start with- 'Okay'? Too many is the answer.

As Reved mentioned a treatment would help BEFORE you start the script.

Sorry to sound harsh but I'm being as constructive as possible. Good luck with it.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ February 12, 2004 06:35 PM: Message edited by: Kev Owens ]</font>

[tatorhead]

OK, being 15, I can tell you that kids these years don't talk like that. Try thowing in a 'dude' and 'man'. Kids (at least males) say that kind of crap all the time. also, it's very unnatural for them not to cuss. I hear more fucks, shits, damns, and hells in one school day than in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

[windowslaws]

Here is just an example of what you could do with that dialogue to trim it up. Try and say as little as possible. get rid of stuff in brackets


INT - Oscar leans back and starts talking to Spoon.

oscar
(Hey, you) wanna go and get some food after school?

spoon
(Yeah, I) sure do.

oscar
(Okay,) awesome.

INT - Bell rings and kids come out of a class room, Oscar and Spoon are the last ones out.

oscar
Where (are) we gonna (go) eat?

spoon
(I) don't know, how about (some) pizza? (Or maybe some) tacos?

oscar
Either sounds good (to me.)

spoon
(Okay,) we'll figure it out later then cause' I gotta go.

i dunno if that adds anything, its not particularly spectacular advice but as people mentioned it wasn't very realistic.

storywise i'm sure you'll sort it with the changes you mentioned.

[kreg_c_2002]

Hey, thanks everyone for the advice and criticism. Tatorhead I really don't wanna have foul language in my movies, seeing as neither I or my friend cuss that often. Kev thanks for pointing out the heading problem and the clunky dialouge. And windowslaw thanks for showing me how to fix the dialouge problem.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ February 12, 2004 07:48 PM: Message edited by: heliotrope ]</font>

[kreg_c_2002]

Here's my rewrite of the original script. I changed a lot of things, like one of the main characters is now a female. It was formated correctly but when I copied it into here all the tabs and centering got messed up. Is this better?
I hope to shoot the movie this weekend so help is very appriciated. Thanks.

INT - School - Day
Oscar and John walk down a deserted hallway talking and joking, around then they walk into a classroom, and sit in seats in the front of the room next to each other.

Teacher
Hey quite down now the bell rang. Go ahead and start getting your D.O.L. done while I?m passing out your tests.

The teacher hands Oscar his test which has a 100% marked on the front, and congratulates him.

Teacher
Good job Oscar, keep that up and you might be the valedictorian.

Oscar
Eh, I kinda doubt that.

Teacher
Well it?ll help you get into college at least.

Oscar
Yeh.

The teacher turns around and places a test, on John?s desk, which also has a 100% marked on it.

Teacher
You did a fantastic job too John.

Alice
Thanks

Teacher
Maybe you?ll be the valedictorian since Oscar isn?t. *laughs*

Alice
Yeah, maybe.

The teacher walks away, and Oscar turns to John.

Oscar
Wanna go get some food later?

Alice
Sure do.

Oscar
Cool...We should try to get Tonya and Lindsey to go too; we could plan out our Spanish project then.

Alice
That?d be good.

The bell rings and kids come out of a class room; Oscar and John are the last ones out.

Oscar
Where you wanna eat?

Alice
How bout pizza? Or tacos?

Oscar
Either's good.

Alice
We?ll figure it out later.

Oscar
Alright, want me to see if Lindsey and Tonya wanna come?


Alice
Yeah that?d be good.

INT - Taco Shop - Day

Oscar, Alice, Tonya and Lindsey walk into a restaurant, and order their food. They then get their food and sit down at a table.

Oscar
What're we gonna do? Poster? Video? or maybe a Speech?

Alice
How about a slideshow?

Tonya
I kinda like the video idea.

Lindsey
A video sounds good.

Oscar
A video it is.

Alice
Who has a camera?

Tonya
I have one.

Oscar
Great.

Lindsey
Who's gonna be cameraman?

Alice
I will.

Oscar
You wanna just make it up as we go?

Alice, Lindsey, & Tonya
Yeah let's do that.

Alice
Can we make it later today?

Tonya
I gotta to the dentist later.

Oscar
How about tomorrow?

Tonya
That'll be fine.

Lindsey
Same here.

Alice
Tomorrow it is then.

Oscar
Well I gotta go now.

Lindsey
Okay, bye.

Tonya
Bye.

Alice
See you tomorrow.

EXT - Street - Day
Oscar gets up and leaves the restaurant, waving good bye as he goes by the window. He walks down a street, and up to a house. He knocks on the door, and a kid named Todd answers the door. Oscar goes into the house.

INT - Alice's House - Day
Alice walks into the front door, and she goes into the living room and sits on the couch.

Alice's Mom
Hi where've you been?

Alice
We went to get some food and talk about our Spanish project.

Alice's Mom
Who are we?

Alice
Me, Oscar, Lindsey and Tonya.

Alice's Mom
What're you doing for your Spanish project?

Alice
A video.

Alice's Mom
Sounds fun.

Alice
It should be.

Alice's Mom
Do you have any homework?

Alice
I have to do some biology, but that's it.

Alice's Mom
You'd better get that done soon.

Alice
I will.

INT - School - Day
Alice walks up to Oscar's locker.

Alice
Hey, where'd you run off to yesterday?

Oscar
I had to walk my dog.

Alice
Oh ok?

Oscar
Sorry. What'd you decide for the Spanish video?

Alice
I said that me and you would figure it out.

Oscar
Ok. Wanna come over after school?

Alice
Sure.

INT - Oscar's House - Day

Oscar and Alice walk into Oscar's front door, and sit down at the table.

Oscar
You want anything to eat or drink?

Alice
Nah. Thanks though.

Oscar
Alright, well about this video?

Alice
Do you have any paper?

Oscar
Yeah, I'll go get some.

Alice
Okay.

Oscar's Mom
Oscar!!! Who's here?

Oscar
It's Alice; we?re working on our Spanish project.

Oscar's Mom
Oh okay. Well I gotta go to the store in a bit.

Oscar
Okay

Oscar's Mom
How long are you guys gonna be?

Oscar
Don't know maybe an hour?

Alice
That sounds bout' right.

Oscar's Mom
I'll take her to her house before I go to the store then, if that's alright.

Alice
Yeah that'll be good.

Oscar's Mom
Okay.

Oscar comes back into the room with some paper.

Oscar
Here's the paper.

Alice
Okay, so let's start by writing down all the things that we need in it, and then all the things we want in it.

Oscar
Okay.

INT - School - Day
Alice walks into the school, and starts walking down a corridor. She sees Oscar and a kid named Todd, who has a reputation for being a druggy, talking. She starts to walk the other way and goes to her locker. Oscar comes up to her locker a little bit after she gets there.

Oscar
Hey, what?s up?

Alice
Nothing, but do you wanna tell me what you and that drug addict were talking about?

Oscar
Look he just wanted to know if I would help him out.

Alice
What?d you say?

Oscar
I said I wouldn?t.

Alice
You sure, cause? you two seemed like pretty good friends.

Oscar
Okay fine I told him I?d help him.

Alice
WHY?

Oscar
Cause? I need the money so I can help my mom put groceries on the table, so that me and my brother can eat!

Alice
Well why don?t you go find a real job that doesn?t have the ability to kill you?

Oscar
Look, he?s gonna pay me $200 just to deliver a package, and get some money.

Alice
You?re gonna have that on your conscience for your entire life.

Oscar
Hey, I?m outta here I don?t need you telling me what to do.

Alice has a hurt look on her face.

INT - Alice?s Bedroom - Night

Alice keeps looking at the telephone. She finally picks up the phone, and calls Oscar.

Oscar
Hello?

Alice
Hey

Oscar
Oh, hi Alice.

Alice
Sorry, if I sounded like I hated you, earlier.

Oscar
No, it?s alright, I?ve been thinking about it and it was stupid of me to even think of doing this.

Alice
Well you were desperate, and when people get desperate they start doing stupid things.

Oscar
I?m not gonna go through with this, I?m gonna give the package back to him on Monday.

Alice
That?s a good idea. Just be careful.

Oscar
I will; thanks. You wanna come over tomorrow? We could work on our Spanish project some more.


Alice
Okay, I will, Bye

Oscar
Bye.

Alice places the phone back on the cradle, and leaves her room.

EXT - Store - Day
Oscar bumps into Todd when walking by. Todd turns around and starts talking to him.

Todd
Dude, have you delivered my package yet?

Oscar
I?ve been thinking, and I decided that I don?t wanna have anything to do with you.

Todd
You?d better deliver that package.

Oscar
I?m not gonna. I?ll give it back to you on Monday.

Todd
That?s it you?d better watch you back.

Todd walks away.

INT - Oscar?s House - Day
Alice and Oscar are working on their Spanish project.

Alice
Let?s go through the props, and see everything that we have, and what more we need.

Oscar
Oh I left them out in the car, I?ll go get em?.

Oscar gets up and walks out the front door. He goes down the steps and starts walking along the sidewalk. As he nears his mother?s car a grey car races around the corner, and a man rolls down the window, he points a gun out the window, and fires two shots into Oscar?s chest. Oscar staggers for a moment then collapses. Alice runs out of the house, and kneels by her fallen friend.